I woke up feeling good. Not too good. But good enough.
I love waking up to my BF, it makes me feel settled and restful.
Peaceful sounds better.
I woke up thinking that I am fed up being sad, I have a great life.
I am studying to be something great, so is my BF. We have a great life together and I should be happy.
SHOULD.
I want too..
It doesn’t seem right being so sad. All day I have tried to find other things to fit in my conclusion.
Everything must fit, or else it’s not true. I can not be a bad person, I can’t and won’t eccept it.
I did start thinking abit “normal” this morning. Maybe I shouldn’t look at everything as one piece?
Maybe I should look at every situasion differently? Maybe I should try and understand that not everything can fit under one conclusion? Or maybe it can, but I am trying and over analyzing everything to the extent that it makes everything confusing?
I know one thing, the same thing as yesterday.
I do not do anything harmful to our reltionship. I would never do any action to cause my BF pain or anger. I can do harmless things that he may dislike or get annoyed by, but it’s never more than that. Because I know what’s wrong or right. Everything I have not told him are harmless things, or things I know is OCD or things I know what he would say to them if he knew about them. The harmless things I keep to myself might be things there he does not wish for me to do, but it does not matter as there would not be any consequenses. Just dislike or annoyence. It’s harmless.
Harmless..
Harmless..
I feel crazy after writing that.
If you looked at me you wouldn’t think that. Most people say I am a stunning girl, that I am lucky.
Well good looking people can be mentally ill. Good looking people can have a great life and still have problems.
Not that I am saying I am a ten or anything. But with some make up and some nice clothes I could easily be a 7..
But when I am like this…in OCD mode.I look like shit. I am a 1. No more and no less. Just a 1.
Poor BF.
But still he smiled this morning and kissed me good morning. I told him today seems like a good OCD day.
He gave me a longer kiss.
When I was out the door, the OCD started. And it hasn’t left.