Suicide, OCD and POCD

I have not written on here for a good while. I have been really poorly. I had really bad suicide thoughts and to the point where I just wanted to kill myself. End it all, because I can not accept what if I like to fantasize about kids(when the thoughts pop up during sex and masturbation I can not tell if I like it), even if I am not attracted to kids in real life.

My sister kind of told me if I did not start working on myself she would make sure I get admitted to the psych ward, as I have been so bad for 3 months over this. I tried to clean up my act and it didn’t work so I pretended to her I was fine. Then two days ago I found that this is all ocd. All the signs are ocd. Yes I feared liking teens in real life and in fantasy that were as young as 15 y old and I found out that to be true. But it doesnt mean my POCD has to be true.

But then on a OCD forum they started saying it was strange as OCD and intrusive thoughts go against who we are as people….And no I am back in my deep hole of shit. I was happy today as I got a job as a teacher. I felt my world was getting better, a job, my ocd calming down, me doing well in Uni. Life was good for 2 days and I loved it.

How is it I only get fucking 2 days of freedom?

I felt I had the answer to all my stupid OCD.

Of course I still worry about how pocd is so similar to my fear with teens and how that was true. But I have come to realize, just because you have ocd about something does not mean it isnt true. It can be true or it can be untrue. The difference between the pocd and fear of teens was it both started with OCD and then I realized I was attracted to teens as young as 15 sometimes. Which isnt the result of my pocd.

Then people say OCD is never true….and I feel confused again. I thought a lot about suicide before, and I felt anxiety all the time. Now I feel numb, I can not feel anything and I am just depressed. Wanting death to take me home.

How can a future boyfriend accept this, if I can not? If I can not even find the answer to this shit?

Trying so hard!

I am trying so hard to let my intrusive thoughts just stay there and not analyse them. It is sooo hard. I feel like al my energy is used for this. I have thought alot about what I worry about, the fact that sometimes a child can pop up in my thoughts during sexual activity and I do not know how I can tell if that thought turns me on or not. I just have to tell myself a normal person who would experiance this would be like whatever and not think about it again.

Thats what I am trying to work on…I am planning on going out tonight for a drink just to get my mind of things ❤

OCD and Depression. Welcome back!

It has been awhile since this combo attacked me. If I remember right it was back in November. I had a little break from it when I fell in love, hormones tend to fly all over so it takes over the negative feelings. POCD is eating me alive. My head is heavy, my chest hurts and I am tired all the time. I have no motivation for anything at all.

I wish there was a casket ready for me to lie in. I feel ready to die, to rest in peace. I don’t want to live anymore. And thats the truth. Of course Ihave good periods, but whats fun in living a nice life for a few weeks until OCD and depression kills you again? It is not how I want to live

OCD has come to kill me

It’s late, and normally I would be asleep, dying to close my eyes. I have not had a nap today either, so I am longing to close my eyes. Unfortunately two things are haunting me; OCD and Mister X.

I felt blessed that I had my OCD under control for a good while. I had time to focus on myself and do things without OCD biting at me, but once again OCD finds it way. POCD has blown up. Pedophile OCD, a theme where a person fears they are a pedophile. This fear comes from my childhood after experiencing something traumatic. We all have different reasons for our fears.

Today it is back to the POCD thoughts. I start thinking back to things I worried about before. How during sex a thought popped up of a kid and I felt after abit more excited. How do I know if I got more excited because of the kid thought or because I was in the middle of sex? Just like the time I was masturbating and was bored on my fantasy so I thought I should think of something taboo, again a child popped up. And I felt abit more excited. How do I know it was because of the child thought or because of the theme/word taboo or the sex in general?

I feel I can never get answers. Many will say that if you do not like kids in real life you will not like them in your thoughts. NOT TRUE. Many people are not attracted to kids in real life but have child fantasizes, which also categorises them as a pedophile. This is why I worry so much about not finding an answer to my problems. I try to find an answer so I can tell myself I am not a pedo. But I can never find a solution. I tried telling myself that I didn’t like it when the thoughts popped up, but then again many people get turned on by things they do not like thinking about…

I am using hours trying tofind an answer that makes me not a pedophile.

When reading this, do not judge me. I am diagnosed with OCD and I am not attracted to kids in real life what so ever. We all have different fears and I have intrusive thoughts about kids because my worst fear is liking them and being a pedophile.

Feeling so down

WOW! Suddenly out of the blue I get hit with loads of OCD AND feel so sad and depressed about my break-ups.

I was doing ok last week, and now it just hit me and tears were flowing and I was crying and screaming and was in so much pain. Two men I have been inlove with, one I was with for 4 years, the other for 3 months, bot dumped me on not handling my OCD.It makes me feel worthless. I am worthless. Who will ever settle for a mentally sick woman?

Things are not going my way anymore, the recent break-up with the guy of 3 months, well he cut contact 2 weeks ago. Have not heard from him at all. It hurts, it reminds me how worthless I am. Reminds me how I failed to keep my ex too.

Being sick with OCD makes me realize how I am not worth as much as a normal person. I worry I am a pedo, a sick bastard. Who would want to date that? Fuck, I am feeling so alone. So unwanted. The guys on the town only want a one night stand. That’s all I am good for apparently.

My new OCD worry:

When I get intrusive thoughts of kids while “playing with myself” I have learnt to see them for what they are. Intrusive thoughts created by my OCD. When asking how do I know if I like the thoughts are not, the answer is simple, you would know what you like.It is as simple as that. And my fanatsy wouldn’t come to me in form as an intrusive thought.

I have therefor disregarded the worry and seen them for what it is. False thoughts of something I do not like.

But then today, while I was playing with myself, I thought of jude law, the actor. It got me turned on. Then I got an intrusive thought about how he looks like my dad. This thought was true. So I switched Jude law with some other guy, but he kept popping up and I tried ignoring it.

What I am now wondering is that when it came to my intrusive thoughts of kids I regarded it as OCD and that I do not like them. And they are not true.

However the intrusive thought about jude law looking like my dad was true.

So now I am confused. Are all intrusive thoughts true? So I was wrong about the kids and me not like them when they popped up?

Call me sick, psyco, weird, disgusting, abnormal. Everyone else does. So judge me, it’s ok.

Sleeping tablets?

So after writing that post about my OCD hibernating for awhile, it came full on today with POCD. UGH, great. Trying to ignore it, trying to move on from it. I really don’t have the energy for it.

I might go to the doctors next week sometime and ask for sleeping tablets. I can not sleep at night, sure I do take a power nap here and there, but that’s cuz thinking makes me so tired. Point is, when I close my eyes all I do is think of him. Analyse every small bit…..

I want this to end….

Please?

More about OCD

So latly I have written a lot about love and my lost of a guy I fell in love with. I now want to write more about OCD.

OCD is a horrible mental disease, just like all mental diseases are. I do not know if I should call myself lucky, but I suffer from pure-o which means I have intrusive thoughts and all the OCD is in my head. Of course it was not always like this but from the age of 16 it has always been intrusive thoughts.

There are days I think about how silly I am and how this is all OCD, and I can fight this. I feel strong and I start to smile.

But there are dark days, where I do not get out of bed. I feel I will never win over this and a happy life is something I will never have.

OCD has controlled my life in many ways. So many I feel I have not lived life to it’s fullest. But I do have proud moments. One of them being be studying to be a teacher. From the age of 5 I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I looooved being around kids and looking after them. When My OCD latched on to the thought of being a pedophile I felt doomed and started to work at Mcdonalds instead of studying. How could I be a teacher if I was maybe a pedophile?

After a year I got a thought about how I could never be happy if I did not pursue what I wanted to work with I said FUCK OCD and studied. Geeees…I have had my ups and downs. This is where my OCD changed from just pure-o. I made sure no kids ever held my hands, never sat in my lap or came close to me. I analysed every step I took.

4 years later I can say I am now able to clean a childs bum,hold a child and let a child sit on me, knowing that it is my OCD making me feel shit. Of course I wonder sometimes if I use the kids to get these feelings. But I know deep down I would never use a child to get a little tingle that I can manage to get by myself. I guess I never thought about how far I have come when I look back on my OCD travels. I have had progress. I have managed to become better and face my fears. It has taken 4 years, but hey I am 20 prosent better than what I was 🙂

AHHHH I hate porn!!

I hate porn.

It’s something that gives me POCD so easily.

I asked my BF has he ever watched porn where the woman are too look younger.

He said yes…….

So now I have OCD real bad. How young are we talking about? Has he ever watched porn where the womans body looks younger than 16 years old?

Ugh the thoughts are killing me..