Life is forever changing

Hello.

I am back. Back with severe depression..this depression has been on going since my break up in 2014 with my love of my life. My OCD really didn’t occur that often, but now it has come alive with the depression.

 

ROCD? Hell no, no boyfriend, so no ROCD. POCD is back with revenge. Blah! I’ve been working as a teacher now for 6 months and I love my job. The job and the kids really help with my depression. I feel like I’m not alone when I am at work, but at the same time it’s hard working when I am so down.

I have now got an appointment to see a therapist (OCD therapist) in January. I never thought I would need to go back and get help to be honest. I felt I had control, but I guess a break-up can really fuck up your OCD.

My love life sucks, but then again so does my social life. I have no friends after moving, one of my friends couldn’t handle my negativity and mood swings so she said she didn’t want to have contact anymore. The other two don’t need me anymore as I don’t party as much like before when I was a student. So ya.. I am really lonely. It’s hard. I have never ever EVER been this bad when it comes to suicidal thoughts and urges. I mean I have had it tons of times before, but I felt I always had a reason to live which was the love of my life. Now I struggle from not doing any harm to myself, even though I think about it all the time. I’ve slowly started a bad habit of taking tablets when I don’t really need it. Nothing serious though. 1 or 2..Can be anything from paracetamol or Ibux, to anxiety pills which I don’t really need.

Well life seems to move forward, and I’m still stuck in the past.

Awesome x

True Love

If this is how you treat the person you once loved, then I hope you never love again – E.W

Not really writing much on here..

I guess there are days when I don’t want to write down how I am feeling as it just makes me worse.

I’ve had a bit of contact with mister X, the guy I dated for 3 months…well let’s just say I am back heartbroken again.

OCD and depression is liek normal, up and down. Been in bed for 2 days unwilling to move.

I’m just not worthy of being loved, everyone that has ever come close to me either wants pussy or runs away because I’m mentally ill. I get it though. My OCD causes to confess all my intrusive thoughts to my partner…not many men want that and a depressed woman. But I would love support, help, to be loved for me, a person willing to go through hell with me..

But I know my future, alone and single, where I focus on my job.

Things are weird with me

Suddenly I feel like I am not disabled anymore. I am just ok. And ok is good.

I feel stronger in such a weird way, I have come to realize my fear of liking sexual thoughts and fantasies of kids is OCD. Why? Because all of it matches up with the OCD traits.

I know on my last post I worried it was not OCD, because I thought I had OCD before about fear of being able to be attracted to a 15/16 y old and that became true. But now I have realized I never had OCD about that, I had OCD about being a hepiphil, which I am not. It is not unusal to be attarcted to a 15/16 year old at times.

Mister X contacted me..I know! After no contact for 2 months he suddenly sends me a few sms wondering how I am. We got a convo going and it suddenly came down to, shall we give us a try again. I then asked him could he garantee me he would never turn his back on me when I have my dark days..

He said he could not guarantee that. So I told him we would not work out. You have no idea how hard it was to say that. I am inlove with this man, and 2 months ago I would have done anything to hold him again. But I realize now I have needs that not everyone else has, and I need a man to accept and support my OCD.

He can not do this…

two months ago I would have never thought I would have said no, but here I am and I know what I need and I know what I want.

I need help and no one can help me

Here in Scandinavia you need money to get help, if you do not have money there are cheaper therapists, but the waiting lists are a year long.

My doctor said there was nothing he could do until I have money. I got so angry and I said there must be something he can do? He replied no. I shouted at him and said that you want me to wait until I get a job as a teacher and bring money in, while I have suicide thoughts and depression? He said the only thing he can do is give me other tablets that might help…..Stupid really! I took them anyways. They are called Effexor, and the symptoms are pretty horrible, but it seems to be calming down now.

Ive partied alot these lasts weekends, to get my mind off things. And it has helped alot. The weekends are used being a slob and being hungover with no energi for OCD. But then the week comes and I am pulled down by OCD. I’m trying to controll my pedophile thoughts and try not to figure out everything.

I use to have control and now I have lost it

When I use to lose control before when I was with my ex it wasn’t that bad as he had the control if I had lost my way with my thoughts. He would say he knew the answer very well. I could move on.

I am single now and that wall of mine is gone. I have lost control of everything when it comes to POCD and I feel numb. I feel as if I can not wait to die. I think about it everyday. Sometimes I think it does not matter I have lost control of my thoughts and do not have an answer, when I get a partner we can discuss the theme and he can help me. But the thought of telling another person about all my thoughts and trying to explain my POCD/OCD is just sooo hard. I would have to use a whole day explaining why I am worried and I do not know if I have that energy. Also you are not suppose to confess your worries, but I could never keep this worry from a partner. Of course that means I will be dependant on my partner for the answers…………….which I do not want.

I felt I figured out a lot lately. I felt proud. I told myself they are unwanted thoughts so if I liked them I wouldnt get them as intrusive thoughts. But then I manage to find a fault, of course you can get turned by an intrusive thought, just because they are unwanted doesnt mean anything. 😦

And then I started to think about when I had sex and I wanted to think of something new and taboo, suddenly a thought of a child popped up. I then noticed I was more excited than normal. I told myself I reacted to the word taboo and not to the child. THEN I READ A FUCKING ARTICLE by an ocd specialist where he says:

 having a taboo thought or a fearful or activating thought during intercourse coinciding with orgasm is not an odd thing at all in my opinion.

But I don’t agree. And I feel I have to agree with him as he is an ocd specialist. But I really do not believe having any type of taboo thought etc can lead to orgasm during sex. Then he is saying if u have a picture of a child it’s okay to be turned on by the child during sex…

UGH! How the hell can I figure things out when stupid specialists have different opinions, and I do not agree on them.

I am falling deep in my hole and I do not want to get out because I know this will all haunt me again sometime. And how tell a future partner?

Where is my casket? I want to rest in peace

How the OCD brain works

A few of my readers have asked me how does my brain work when I get an intrusive thoughts. So I have decided using POCD, pedophile OCD as an example. It will give you an idea how these thoughts work in general.

It starts with a thought that will trigger my anxiety. An example: I am having sex and a child pops up as a thought.

Then after sex, I will worry and wonder if that thought had any significance to me. Then I will start my over analysing. An example:

“So a thought popped up, but it does not make me a pedophile.” Then I go and search on criterias that makes someone a pedo and read that fantasizes and thoughts alone that turn you on, that are about kids can make you a pedo. This causes extreme aneixty, so I need to figure out a different answer that makes sense. ” I would know if the thought about the child turned me on” Then my OCD starts talking back, trying to find holes in my answers. It will reply saying that I would not know if it turned me on because I have OCD and I am always In doubt. The anxiety starts to get worse, my head starts to spin, I feel tired and exhausted but I will not give up. I start to think even more. “How do I know if that thought of the child turned me on or not?” I try to tell myself that OCD makes these thoughts pop up because I am so scared to be a pedo. But I manage to find a hole in that answer too, because sometimes they pop up even when I am not having OCD moments. It comes to the point that I use everyday trying to find an answer that is unbreakable, but I never can find it. Then I go into deep depression.

This is how it works..

And the end of it all I realize I can not find an answer to it, so there is a 50/50 chance in being a pedo. This makes me sad because how will another person accept that? How will my future boyfriend accept that? Imagen me telling him this. If I can not find an answer that is perfect, how can he?

Life can never be planned and that’s so scary

I would never ever thought I would be where I am today at 24. Since my OCD did not hit me bad until 16 I had planned my life to perfection. Married, family and kids at the age of 22. When I dated my ex for 4 years, my OCD did take me by surprise on how bad it was and how it has changed and will change my life. But I knew I would marry him and we would live happily ever after. I planned everything, everything you can think of. I was on cloud nine.

Look at me now, single, no husband and no kids, no car and no house. I mean it gets to me. I loved planning, it made me happy as I knew what was around the corner.But in reality it doesn’t work. It scares the shit out of me. I keep planning on having kids before 30, but that could not happen either…It scares me.

OCD blog

When I started this blog, it was all about OCD really. Now I feel my OCD really has died down about. Mostly cause I am not dating and I am too obsessed with this break up.

I got a sms from him today. He said ” Hello. I am well. Back to the single life again. I am more concern about your wellbeing than mine. Anyways we shouldn’t have contact”

I smsed him back saying I was well, and it was good to know he was ok. As that’s all I wanted to know. I said I had moved on and dating again, and I thought it would be ok to ask how he was as I still do care.

No reply. I do not know why I am obsessed with this asshole. He has clearly moved on and wants nothing to do with me, but I won’t give up. WHY? It’s embarrassing. He was inlove with me, I fell inlove with him. He couldn’t handle my OCD so he backed off and got cold. I was still inlove. He breaks up because of it.

I expected him to come back, to be hurt, to not manage without me. But he is fine, he does not care about me…..and it hurts so much when I was inlove 😦

When does it end? A spiral of pain

My sister just found out her BF has been cheating on her. Her first love and that’s what happends. Damn, makes me really rethink what I want in life. Do I really want to get married and have kids, with a man that prob will leave me in the end anyways?

Things have been really tough for me these last days, I am in a depression and living life is so hard. My sister is going through shit, my best-friend thinks I am rude and horrible because I asked her to leave to day as I needed to sleep because of my OCD. She used an hour to get here. My older sister is causing havoc. My birthday is on tuesday but not wanting to celebrate.

I really honestly have lost ly life motivation…the will to live. The break-up deff triggered it. But it’s a deeper pain. I’m just not interested in living…