Pocd

I have started my day by cleaning my bedroom. Smells amazing and really makes me feel a tad bit better.

My OCD will always be there, but there are times it calms down. I wish it would calm down soon as it is driving me crazy.

I just keep telling myself, I am not sexually attracted to 15/16 year olds,in real life or in my thoughts. If 15/16 look older than maybe I could possibly find them sexually attractive. But than the new question pops up and I have no idea what to do with it

” Am I able to find a adult that looks like he is 15/16 years old, sexually attractive? Than that means that I can find a real 15 year, that looks 15 years old, sexually attractive…”

How will my future BF accept this? At the same time, does it need to be answered? Why cant I tell myself, I dont need to answer these questions because I am a normal woman that has a normal sexuality.

 

Later on today my ex and his sister (who I live with) is having two friends stay over. I will have to mingle even though I do want to sleep of my OCD headache. Main thing is, I managed to clean my room 🙂 I did something today haha ❤

 

 

Here is a tattoo I have, an arrow will always have to be pulled back to be able to go forward.

 

Maybe that is how it is with us humans?

When I find my new dream man

What scares me is when I do find a guy I love, he will leave me when he knows about my OCD. My OCD was mainly on pedo OCD after the breakup, but it’s changed to hebfil OCD(It’s about an adult liking teens).

You see, I know this and I came to this conclusion myself 🙂

I am not sexually attracted to kids or 15/16 year olds,in real life or in my thoughts. If 15/16 look older than maybe I could possibly find them sexually attractive.

I stand by this 100 prosent, and this is what I will tell my future BF..however there is one thought, or thing I can’t seem to “fix”. If I am able to find a adult that looks like he is 15/16 years old, sexually attractive, than that means that I can find a real 15 year, that looks 15 years old, sexually attractive…

No matter what I do I cant answer that weird question. So I am leaving it unanswered, and I will tell my future BF I have no idea how to answer it. Most people say I don’t need to share my thoughts to my partner, but I want him to know what my worries are so he can decide weather he wants to be with me or not. The thing is, the thing I can not answer is actually a question all human beings will have a hard time answering…

But all I know for now is this:

I am not sexually attracted to kids or 15/16 year olds,in real life or in my thoughts. If 15/16 look older than maybe I could possibly find them sexually attractive.

 

Is there really a man out there that will accept me for this?

 

Madly inlove but also a OCD sufferer

I have no posted here for nearly a year. I am now 23 years old and single.

This is a different type of post.

 

It’s gone three weeks. Three agonizing weeks. Things have not been easy, it’s been the three most hardest weeks I have ever experianced. I have OCD and depression, servere OCD, but nothing can be compared to what I feel right now.  A heavy feeling, I just can’t shake off.

Many complain over how people wallow over their heartbreaks, but have you ever thought about why so many people do? It’s  because it’s like a disease.

You catch it.
It spreads first to your heart,
further along it goes to your head,
and then to the rest of your body.
And you numb.
It effects you as a person,
As a human being.
You feel weak,
Depressed,
And full of aneixty and worries.
Yes, a heart break is a disease.

I never saw it coming. Everyone said they had never seen such a love before, I had never thought this love ever exsisted. But it did. And it was mine. The only problem was, that I never knew it could end. If I knew that, I would have never given my heart away.

I found someone that accepted me for who I am. This was something I never thought I would find. I am so different from everyone, with so many problems, but yet there he stood. He stood by me and told me what a wonderful and strong woman I was. He learnt about my OCD and my depression, learnt how to deal and tackle the days that were dark. Not once did he think I was mental, or crazy, but saw OCD (ROCD/POCD) for what it was.
He helped me with my mental state for 4 years.
He made me get help, he made a path for me and he led the way. He made me realize how to fix all my problems.

He made me into who I am today. I am me because of him.

When you’re 23 years old and suffer from a servere mental problem, you never expect anyone to ever accept you or want to understand what you are going through. But I found it and not once did he ever tell me I was sick or crazy because of my intrusiv thoughts.

I lost all this three weeks ago. He cuddled me on the bed and reached for my hand. There was something different about this touch, and something strange with the way he looked at me. And it all came pouring out. The words that I never thought I would hear.

He is no longer inlove with me.

[…]

So he gets to move on now, but what about me? I’m still madly and deeply inlove with him..the saddest thing about this all is that I had no clue what was going on in his head. I thought we were happy and inlove. I was waiting for my engagment ring.

Instead I got a needle to sew up my broken heart.