Madly inlove but also a OCD sufferer

I have no posted here for nearly a year. I am now 23 years old and single.

This is a different type of post.

 

It’s gone three weeks. Three agonizing weeks. Things have not been easy, it’s been the three most hardest weeks I have ever experianced. I have OCD and depression, servere OCD, but nothing can be compared to what I feel right now.  A heavy feeling, I just can’t shake off.

Many complain over how people wallow over their heartbreaks, but have you ever thought about why so many people do? It’s  because it’s like a disease.

You catch it.
It spreads first to your heart,
further along it goes to your head,
and then to the rest of your body.
And you numb.
It effects you as a person,
As a human being.
You feel weak,
Depressed,
And full of aneixty and worries.
Yes, a heart break is a disease.

I never saw it coming. Everyone said they had never seen such a love before, I had never thought this love ever exsisted. But it did. And it was mine. The only problem was, that I never knew it could end. If I knew that, I would have never given my heart away.

I found someone that accepted me for who I am. This was something I never thought I would find. I am so different from everyone, with so many problems, but yet there he stood. He stood by me and told me what a wonderful and strong woman I was. He learnt about my OCD and my depression, learnt how to deal and tackle the days that were dark. Not once did he think I was mental, or crazy, but saw OCD (ROCD/POCD) for what it was.
He helped me with my mental state for 4 years.
He made me get help, he made a path for me and he led the way. He made me realize how to fix all my problems.

He made me into who I am today. I am me because of him.

When you’re 23 years old and suffer from a servere mental problem, you never expect anyone to ever accept you or want to understand what you are going through. But I found it and not once did he ever tell me I was sick or crazy because of my intrusiv thoughts.

I lost all this three weeks ago. He cuddled me on the bed and reached for my hand. There was something different about this touch, and something strange with the way he looked at me. And it all came pouring out. The words that I never thought I would hear.

He is no longer inlove with me.

[…]

So he gets to move on now, but what about me? I’m still madly and deeply inlove with him..the saddest thing about this all is that I had no clue what was going on in his head. I thought we were happy and inlove. I was waiting for my engagment ring.

Instead I got a needle to sew up my broken heart.

Losing control

I’ve lost control. I have no control.

It’s strange, but the feeling of losing control made me feel wful for a couple of days, but it also let me get away from me trying and obsessing about trying to have the control where everything has to fit.

I am kind of in a depression state. I got bad the other day, and even though I have been off my anti-depressiv tablets for 4 months, I found some of my left overs and started them.

I feel numb.

I can’t sleep.

I feel sick.

BUT my panic attacks have calmed down.

Maybe it’s ok that I’m not perfect and need tablets.

Even though I have lost control of all my conclusions, I still stick to three of them.

I will never do anything harmful, I will never go over the line, I do not have bad intensions.

I need these.

Without them I don’t know who I am. I can’t make those things always fit the past, but I have OCD. But I just know they are true.

I am a good girlfriend.

I dont do bad.

I CANT DO BAD..

 

Hope someone out there is doing better than me.

Finally depression

I was waiting for it. I tried so hard to avoid it from coming, but I knew deep down that these conclusions I had wouldn’t give me the control I thought I could have with it. I would find faults, and I did. So many I was unable to create the perfect conclusion again.

 

I want to be perfect with out mistakes. Is that not ok? I don’t want to have any bad intensions, none what so ever.

I don’t feel I have had any or ill have any. But the OCD makes me think about what ARE bad intensions.

I know I can do harmless actions that my bf can dislike. We all can. But the thought of me not telling him something because I know he would dislike it if I told him, but the action is harmless(I only do harmless actions) kills me. I really think that’s ok and not bad at all, and that scares me. I dont want to with hold informasion about situasions because I know he will dislike it when he hears it. I don’t want too. This is where my sister or bf would say:

“If you don’t want to, you wont.You are in control”

Depression has come upon me and I have decided to start my anti depressiv drugs again. I have been without them for 4 months, but I feel maybe it might give me that little push or hope that I need right now.

I am in a bad place. I can’t even describe it. I long for death, but yet dont because I have my wonderful bf. To some my OCD worries are so petty, but to me they mean the world.

I have given up on sorting them out and trying to understand them, because they dont suit everything it should suit.

I have tried a new thing where when I realize that I start obsessing over something I stop and say out loud:

“I have OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. It causes me to obsesses over the most important aspects of my life. My BF being one of them. Ths is OCD. The thoughts are OCD. “

I had a good feeling this morning

I woke up feeling good. Not too good. But good enough.

I love waking up to my BF, it makes me feel settled and restful.

Peaceful sounds better.

I woke up thinking that I am fed up being sad, I have a great life.

I am studying to be something great, so is my BF. We have a great life together and I should be happy.

SHOULD.

I want too..

It doesn’t seem right being so sad. All day I have tried to find other things to fit in my conclusion.

Everything must fit, or else it’s not true. I can not be a bad person, I can’t and won’t eccept it.

I did start thinking abit “normal” this morning. Maybe I shouldn’t look at everything as one piece?

Maybe I should look at every situasion differently? Maybe I should try and understand that not everything can fit under one conclusion? Or maybe it can, but I am trying and over analyzing everything to the extent that it makes everything confusing?

 

I know one thing, the same thing as yesterday.

 

I do not do anything harmful to our reltionship. I would never do any action to cause my BF pain or anger. I can do harmless things that he may dislike or get annoyed by, but it’s never more than that. Because I know what’s wrong or right. Everything I have not told him are harmless things, or things I know is OCD or things I know what he would say to them if he knew about them. The harmless things I keep to myself might be things there he does not wish for me to do, but it does not matter as there would not be any consequenses. Just dislike or annoyence. It’s harmless.

 

Harmless..

 

Harmless..

 

I feel crazy after writing that.

If you looked at me you wouldn’t think that. Most people say I am a stunning girl, that I am lucky.

Well good looking people can be mentally ill. Good looking people can have a great life and still have problems.

Not that I am saying I am a ten or anything. But with some make up and some nice clothes I could easily be a 7..

But when I am like this…in OCD mode.I look like shit. I am a 1. No more and no less. Just a 1.

 

Poor BF.

But still he smiled this morning and kissed me good morning. I told him today seems like a good OCD day.

He gave me a longer kiss.

When I was out the door, the OCD started. And it hasn’t left.

 

 

Today has been hard

Today has been really hard.

My theme that causes intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviour is about me being perfect and not doing anything wrong to my relationship or boyfriend. Everything needs to be perfect, I need a conclusion for the past and present. I fear maybe I don’t tell everything my boyfriend needs to know, maybe I muddle up ocd and think something is ocd and it isn’t.

I have a conclusion that helps me through out the day:

I always tell my boyfriend everything that is important. Everything I keep from him or things that are harmless or are things I know what he would say to me if I told him. I also know somethings are just plain OCD and keep those to myself. I never have bad intentions to any actions and would never do anything to make my boyfriend angry/hurt or something that gives our relationship consequences. I can do a harmless action and he might dislike it and ask me not to do it again, and if I do it again it is ok as there is no consequences to it.

Today I am really down. I feel depression coming on. I am trying so hard not to have a conclusion as I just give into my ocd. But I can’t. I need something to hold on to. I need to know I wont do anything bad.

Today I am off to my family. Family dinner. Guess I have to put a smile on for them. I always have to, but when I come home I will be just sad again and ocd will hit me. So hard to study as well with all of this.

Well I am off on my way now, hope all you guys are having a better day x

Welcome to my thoughts,fears,hopes and dreams. Welcome to my life

I have OCD.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.

I obsess about aspects of my life that are important to me, which leads me to do compulsions to calm down my anxiety.

The word OCD is the most important word in my life as much as I don’t want it to be.

The most important word to me is LOVE, but it comes under the word OCD because OCD has more control of me than LOVE.

I have a severe form of OCD, it controls me. OCD can be nice to me sometimes and let me have a pause here and there.

But it always comes back, sometimes slowly. It creeps upon me and other times it’s like a bomb. It explodes on you.

I’m 22 years old. They say your twenties are amazing, but I have yet to experience it.

There is one thing that gives me hope.

Love…

Love.

He is my everything.

He can make me feel better just by giving me a smile, a hug or a kiss.

My worries become minimal because of him, but they also grow because of him.

He is the most important thing in my life and that’s why OCD attacks that aspect of my life.

This is my blog. My life. A chance to say who I really am, without you really knowing who I am.

I have decided to write a blog and would love to share my thoughts and everyday life about ocd. I find it to be a way of therapy for me. I love writing and always have done, so I will write about something that is the most important thing in my life, not out of choice but out of being forced to make it the most important thing in my life.

OCD