Love

Life is hard. Everything seems hard. But we have to go through it, right? It makes us stronger. But how strong can a person be until it is enough? We are only human..

Today the guy made a decision and ended it between us because he did not think he could be the man that I need when it comes to my mental health. He is not able for it. It hurts like hell, I feel like shit. But I understand him and I can not blame him. OCD is a horrible thing and it takes all your energy and it takes alot from your partner too He has his life, his problems and he can not have mine on top of that.

I am at peace now knowing it is over, does not make it any easier, but it has given me an answer and now I know where I am and what I need to do. Move on.

I like to think we were never meant to end up together, he was meant to guide me a bit in life, give me a kick in the ass when I was at my lowest. And that is what he did. He gave me hope, he gave me days to look forward too, he made me smile, he made me realize life is not as bad as I thought it was. Yes, he is out of my life, but I will keep what I learnt from him.Because he taught me alot.

I guess I will be needing a few days to mourn this one out, once again…

I am now on a new course in life

Wow, after the period of the break-up I have come to a conclusion about a lot of new things.

I have lost two men because of my OCD. Because I send sms after sms and seek reassurance. It has hurt to know that OCD takes away the opportunity of me having a love life. This is why I am going to do something I never have done before.

Stop confessing to my partner about OCD or else I will lose him. I would rather feel like shit every single day than go through a break up. I have just got back with the guy I dated for 3 months, we are both willing to give it a new try.

And of course after we have intercourse I think: Ah, I got what I want now I do not care if we don’t get back together. I feel awful for thinking this, and I do not know if it is ROCD. It is so strange I longed for every bit of him and when I got him back I feel like I do not care 😦 What happend? Why? Please let this be OCD…PLEASE! I do not feel anything after I have him now…:( And I feel I need to confess this too him as I feel guilty.

Blah!

Since I do not know if this is OCD or not, I do not know if I should tell him.

I feel awful and my head is spinning. I want a hug x

Ugh

Confusion..

When you thought you wanted and needed something and now I have no idea.

Lost

I have never read something so amazing before

“You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.” ―Toni Morrison

Seeing and wishing things

Today as I was walking home from Uni, I saw your car. I was convinced it was your car. I was nervous and my heart started to beat real fast. I kept telling myself it is not you, but there was still hope in me. I got excited. As I got closer I realized it wasn’t your car. It was someone else’s.

I guess I am thinking about you too much? I have deleted you and blocked you from FB, deleted you from my mob, and all our pictures.

I begged you to try and make it work. You said no.

So I need to get rid of this stupid hope inside me!!

Waiting on something that will never happend

I pick up my mobile, ready to send you a sms. The urge is so strong. I then stop and realize, what would I say?

I put it down and just start hoping you will contact me soon. Write something that changes everything,makes everything better.

I wrote you a poem and I sent it to you on sunday, you never replied. I guess you are moving on. Who am I to blame you? We both agreed that I have bad OCD which makes it impossible to date, that we both want different things in life. Me, kids and a husband. You, a girlfriend.

I want to hear your voice again. Damn it! I want you again. Why don’t you fight for me? Show me that you believe I am worth the struggle, the pain?! No, you just let it go this time…Maybe it is good we are done? I need a man that could never think about losing me, fights for me no matter how hard it gets…

Ugh I miss you, you stupid cow!! Give me the sms I want, the FB mail I want?!! I am tired of waiting for it. Please…

PLEASE

Time to move on and pick my shit up

I used 3 days crying, screaming and being angry over the fact that OCD and other reasons ended things between me and the guy I was dating. I am alone again. Yes. But I am better off alone. I can not hurt people and I save them for the struggle of my OCD.

I have been with 3 men and the longest one lasted was 4 years..I am not worth the struggle or the battle. That is ok. I do not blame them. I am a handful. Living alone is not that bad. A shame my dream is too marry and have kids. Maybe I might get that one day? But so far the men I have met walk away. Like I said it’s understandable.

Goodbye Mister X, I have spared you from pain and hurt. You can now go and find your princess that you so clearly talked about. And that is ok. No one wants crazy. I will miss you and all your silly quirks. But give it a few weeks or months, and you will just be a beautiful memory in the back of my mind. Like my ex. I have done this before, I can do this again.

Besides my OCD, you wanted casual which I never understood because when you looked at me I sa that there was more to what you were feeling then you let on. I have to accept you want a girlfriend to watch movies with, travel with and have fun. And you accept that I want marriage and kids.

This has been a weekend from hell. Monday is a new start of my single life. Work, uni, me time.

I will be ok.

I am always just ok.

I got out of bed! :)

I am proud! I managed to get my ass out of bed after being bedbound for days…

I showered and made food and I even tidied up! Proud moment. I guess this always shows I am not ready to be a mother or have a partner..

I will have to seek help again for my OCD when I get the balls to do it again. OCD is controlling me again and some CBT will do me good.

A sad feeling of wanting to say goodbye

I haven’t left bed since thursday night.

My head is about to explode, my stomach is begging for food, my body is begging for a shower.

I can not move. I will not move. I do not want to move.

I guess I should welcome the depression.

I don’t have the guts to kill myself. I could not leave my sisters and parents alone…but however I think about it. The feeling of just being rested. Left alone. I want to lay in my coffin and just rest for eternity. I see no meaning with my life. I am 24 years old and I am worthless.

Glad i deg ( I hate valentines day)

Here is my valentines card I bought the guy I was dating. Now it’s over all I have is the stupid card and the stupid present.

I hate valentines day, I am going to celebrate that I am single and loving myself 🙂 JOKE! I am miserable and I fucking hate myself. I can’t even maintain a fucking relationship…

Anyways, now that ROCD has died down, my POCD is sky fucking high. Have really important homework to do. Am I doing it? No! I am sleeping, sleeping and sleeping as much as I can. And I get in a bit of wine here and there. I have really important interviews coming up that are offering me full time jobs from august as a teacher.. I need to get my shit together and do a good job!