A new person and an update on my dating and ROCD

I remember when I was 18 and my first boyfriend broke it off with  me, I changed my hair and the way I dressed. I became who I wanted to be there and then. It was as if I had cleansed myself and got rid of all my pain.

Today I am doing something just as stupid..

I am dying my hair a simple dark brown. The feeling of feeling different, like a new person works for me sometimes.

I am realizing a feeling of climbing that ladder again. I mean I am not out of the woods when it comes to my depression and ROCD, not at all. But I have taken two steps forward today. That is a reward in it’s self. Right?

The guy who I am dating, well today is the first time him and I have not smsed each other for a whole day. I waited thinking that maybe he needs some time because all I have done is talk about OCD 24.7. I sent him a sms and asked him whats up and whats going on. He replied saying: Im just busy and I am quite too. Isn’t that better than speaking about OCD 24.7? And better for you?

So I am happy to say we are not over. At the same time I feel I am a bit sad it is not over as then I could take a rest from my OCD. But I reaaally like him, and he is really trying his hardest to hang on to me. It shows me a side of him I did not know was there, a good side. A side that makes me feel warm and special. I feel lucky. If I haven’t managed to push him away after all this OCD I have hot him with, he must really care for me and see something in me worth the while.

Losing it :(

I want to sleep forever. I am sleeping more than I have ever done before.

Sleeping gives me a break from OCD, a break from reality and all the pain and confusion.

I’m on the verge of ending things with me and this guy, just because I want a break from OCD.

I can not tell what I feel for him, what I want, if I have done something not ok in the past, if I will do something not ok in the future. What things do I need to tell him? What thoughts do I need to tell him?

Why do I think I have ROCD?

The obsession with relationships started when I was 18 with my first boyfriend. It started after a year of dating where I worried constantly and over analysed what I felt for him. Was I inlove? I ended it twice because I was convinced I had no feelings for this guy.

My second boyfriend was very serious. We lasted 4 years. It started with the same type of OCD, not sure if I was in love so I broke it off at least 4 times. Then after about 7 months together the obsession of “have I cheated/done something wrong?” haunted me. It started after I was at a party without my EX and drank so much I do not remember the night. I woke up in sweat, unsure if I had cheated and the pain and anxiety of that thought killed me. It was my obsession throughout the whole relationship. It caused bad times, depression and made me so sick. I used all my time on thinking and trying to remember intentions I had, thing I did, things I might do, things I feel etc

I guess I have this theme because my dream is to find a man to marry and have kids. This is my goal in life and it’s so scary to think that I can lose all of that just by feeling something or thinking something or have done something. That I am able to fuck things up.

The guy I am dating now is patient and understanding, but I can not control this anymore and it is getting so bad that I am depressed. I sleep all the time and I keep thinking that I want myself back, I don’t like this depressed woman. To get her back I need to be single.

I want a cuddle

My depressive thoughts for today

I’m breathing. I can feel myself alive, living..but I am numb.

Something so small eats me up and turns into a monster.

I have been strong for way too long. I am breaking down slowly.

Unable to function or live life.

I am in a dream and there is no escape.

How can thoughts make you feel so worthless? So sad and depressed?

How can thoughts make no sense to me and control who I am?

If this is life, then I do not want to be apart of it

Anger management (18 + beware of swearing)

(Beware of a lot of swearing)

You ruin my life. You have done it for 23 fucking years. Just continue doing it, makes no difference you always have. I wouldn’t know who I was without you. You piece of shit, I wish I could grab you by the neck and twist until you are unable to breath. You deserve to die a slow death.

You fucked up my childhood, you fucked up my early teens, but you really fucked up when I turned 18. You just grew into a worse monster where you deliberately made me feel worthless. You won’t stop. Why the fuck won’t you stop? I deserve happiness, I deserve to have what everyone else has. You ruined my last relationship and now you are tearing at my new one. Go on you bastard, rip me apart. Fuck me, it’s what you do best.

I thought I could do this, I could get through this by being strong, but you just grow stronger and stronger and I become so fucking weak. I’m not able anymore, so come depression. Come. Take over me and my life. Make me cry, make me wonder how it is to feel dead. How it is to feel so peaceful and restful. Go ahead.

That’s what you do best, isn’t it? Sure you can be kind sometimes and give me a break here and there. But when you come back for more, you don’t waste no time. You know you are going to give me an early death, you’re going to ruined my life slowly, everything I have worked for, everything I want and have, you are going to break down slowly.

COME ON, I’M WAITING YOU FUCKING MUG.

This too shall pass…

No it fucking won’t. It passes but it fucking comes back even stronger.

Dear God I miss being happy. I miss my smile, my laughter. I’m so used to my frown and my tears. The pain I feel never leaves, and no matter who I talk to it never leaves. What will it take to be normal? The use of alcohol? The use of drugs? Please tell me, because me being strong doesn’t work..

I beg of you

Please OCD stop making me so weird. I am so embarrassed over the things you make me do.

Sure, some of the things I can hide, but other compulsions I can’t. Like how I have to tell the guy I am dating, all of my thoughts 24.7.

He will leave. You will suck the energy out of him. Pull him down. Lock the basement door. Force him in the dark.

I know I should not do that, but I am selfish. I need to. It makes me feel better. To be better. but also because I

But is it selfish doing that act when it’s also because I don’t want to lie to him, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to be someone I am not…

Sinkning

You are swimming.

It’s a far distance, you know you can get there.

You keep telling yourself it’s not far now,

You have the energy.

A few more meters now.

But suddenly your body gets heavy,

You start breathing heavily,

Your arms and legs start to feel numb.

You’re just floating now,

Lying there unable to move.

“What’s the point?” you think to yourself.

This is how I am feeling today. Sucks, and I can’t explain the feeling. I’ve been strong for far too long and now my body has just shut down and I am unable to do anything. I am numb, alone and sad. I do not want to be who I am, I do not want OCD to control me, I wish it wasn’t a problem. Of course I can work on this, but I have no energy..

Lashing out on having OCD

I am chained to something I do not want to be chained to. Can someone give me the key and set me free?

I felt having OCD wasn’t such a big deal with my ex, he got used to it. We lived with it. It also was at it’s worse when we were together for 2 years and he loved me and he stayed.

Now dating, I can not except my OCD. I hate it. It’s such a bigger deal than what I thought.

When single, I am free, happy, bubbly, funny, weird and silly. I just have so much fun.

Me dating, I am chained, sad, silent, weird and annoying. I stay at home. I can not go out and party as I can not drink just in case I do something wrong and forget. I can’t have fun with guy friends anymore, because what if I am flirting or talking inappropriately?

I feel I have tricked the guy I am dating. He fell inlove with single me, he was amazed by what a lovley woman he had found. Now he is experiencing dating me. A woman that confesses OCD, worries, is stressed and sad.

He didn’t fall in love with this. I feel I have tricked him.

Maybe I should have dated him when I was in my OCD period so he could have fallen in love with that………

I am counting down the days until he says he can not do this anymore. I am waiting for him to hurt me and say how crazy I am. I am waiting to feel the pain and hurt of someone dumping me again because I have OCD.

OCD

Is it normal to have ROCD when you are just dating? I can not even date because of ROCD…with my ex I only had it when we were together as a couple and when we had past the “I love you” stage…

It’s ok not to be perfect, right?

So after dating on and off for a month, it is now over.

Mostly because of my OCD. I do try to keep it to myself and work on it, but there are days I start confessing because of ROCD. No one is perfect?

I then went on saying I wanted kids in like 2 years and since he did not feel the same way, why date?

He felt it was stupid that I wanted to end it because of that, and I should live for “now”. I disagree…I was with my ex for 4 years and when it came to the point I wanted more and he didn’t, things fell apart. I wasted 4 years. I do not want to do the same again.

He then went on to call me unstable and I am not really fit to be a mother and why would he want to have kids with someone like me. That broke my heart. Sure I have OCD and bad times and it takes over my life, but why would he say something like that?

” u say u are fucked up all the time, so why can I not agree?”

I am back to square one now. Down and sad. Feeling liek no man will want someone unstable like me.

The words are carved in my brain.

“You are not normal”