OCD and Depression. Welcome back!

It has been awhile since this combo attacked me. If I remember right it was back in November. I had a little break from it when I fell in love, hormones tend to fly all over so it takes over the negative feelings. POCD is eating me alive. My head is heavy, my chest hurts and I am tired all the time. I have no motivation for anything at all.

I wish there was a casket ready for me to lie in. I feel ready to die, to rest in peace. I don’t want to live anymore. And thats the truth. Of course Ihave good periods, but whats fun in living a nice life for a few weeks until OCD and depression kills you again? It is not how I want to live

I know I shouldn’t

I miss you. And I hate that I miss you. I shouldn’t miss you.

I should move on. I am. Tiny steps, but you pop up in my head sometimes.

And I freeze.

I don’t know what it was about you that made me feel so much, when our time was so short.

Remember,feelings may fade but memories always stay

I guess sometimes having a blog makes it easier to let everything out. All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

I had my birthday on the 17th. Turned 24 years old. No sms from mister X, found him on tinder so he has moved on.

I am having a real bad day today, just cry and cry, sleep and sleep. You know my depression started when my ex broke up with me in july, then in November to February I was ok as I fell in love again, but now my depression is back and this makes it the 7th month. I do wake up every day and do what I am suppose to do, but the moment I get home I sleep, cry and sleep. I’ve had good days of course, but then I get real bad days too. I am so alone, so fucking lonely..

I am sleeping life away….and maybe one day I won’t wake up

Relationship OCD

Relationship OCD is also called ROCD. It is when OCD attacks you and your partner and is a never ending death sentence.

I have never been free from ROCD, and I struggle with it all the time.

ROCD is when you get intrusive thoughts whether or not you love your partner, whether or not you have cheated, whether or not your partner loves you. I suffer from worrying if I have cheated/done something wrong. That is my main problem.In general OCD is tough when you are in a relationship, but when you have ROCD it can really challenge you both.

The guy I am dating is trying so hard to understand, we have fought alot because of OCD and sometimes I feel I just can not go on. I already feel defeated. But when I am with him everything just goes away. I am free, but become a prisoner in my own presence.

I am exhausted, tired and all I want to do is sleep my life away. I could solve this by breaking it off, which I have 3 times, but I always go back because for me without him I feel empty.

Do you have ROCD?

IF YES, HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?

Losing it :(

I want to sleep forever. I am sleeping more than I have ever done before.

Sleeping gives me a break from OCD, a break from reality and all the pain and confusion.

I’m on the verge of ending things with me and this guy, just because I want a break from OCD.

I can not tell what I feel for him, what I want, if I have done something not ok in the past, if I will do something not ok in the future. What things do I need to tell him? What thoughts do I need to tell him?

Why do I think I have ROCD?

The obsession with relationships started when I was 18 with my first boyfriend. It started after a year of dating where I worried constantly and over analysed what I felt for him. Was I inlove? I ended it twice because I was convinced I had no feelings for this guy.

My second boyfriend was very serious. We lasted 4 years. It started with the same type of OCD, not sure if I was in love so I broke it off at least 4 times. Then after about 7 months together the obsession of “have I cheated/done something wrong?” haunted me. It started after I was at a party without my EX and drank so much I do not remember the night. I woke up in sweat, unsure if I had cheated and the pain and anxiety of that thought killed me. It was my obsession throughout the whole relationship. It caused bad times, depression and made me so sick. I used all my time on thinking and trying to remember intentions I had, thing I did, things I might do, things I feel etc

I guess I have this theme because my dream is to find a man to marry and have kids. This is my goal in life and it’s so scary to think that I can lose all of that just by feeling something or thinking something or have done something. That I am able to fuck things up.

The guy I am dating now is patient and understanding, but I can not control this anymore and it is getting so bad that I am depressed. I sleep all the time and I keep thinking that I want myself back, I don’t like this depressed woman. To get her back I need to be single.

My depressive thoughts for today

I’m breathing. I can feel myself alive, living..but I am numb.

Something so small eats me up and turns into a monster.

I have been strong for way too long. I am breaking down slowly.

Unable to function or live life.

I am in a dream and there is no escape.

How can thoughts make you feel so worthless? So sad and depressed?

How can thoughts make no sense to me and control who I am?

If this is life, then I do not want to be apart of it

It’s ok not to be perfect, right?

So after dating on and off for a month, it is now over.

Mostly because of my OCD. I do try to keep it to myself and work on it, but there are days I start confessing because of ROCD. No one is perfect?

I then went on saying I wanted kids in like 2 years and since he did not feel the same way, why date?

He felt it was stupid that I wanted to end it because of that, and I should live for “now”. I disagree…I was with my ex for 4 years and when it came to the point I wanted more and he didn’t, things fell apart. I wasted 4 years. I do not want to do the same again.

He then went on to call me unstable and I am not really fit to be a mother and why would he want to have kids with someone like me. That broke my heart. Sure I have OCD and bad times and it takes over my life, but why would he say something like that?

” u say u are fucked up all the time, so why can I not agree?”

I am back to square one now. Down and sad. Feeling liek no man will want someone unstable like me.

The words are carved in my brain.

“You are not normal”

It’s bright, but it’s dark on myside

How can I feel so alone when I have people around me? Sometimes I wish just to end it all. I am unable to accept the fact I have OCD. It takes everything from me, enables me to do what I really want to do. It steals away my happiness, my love and freedom. Do I deserve this?

Sometimes I wish just to end it all. I am unable to live like this. It takes everything from me, enables me to do what I really want to do. It steals away my happiness, my love and freedom. Do I deserve this?

It’s been 5 months since my break-up. I have written about him before, four years of my life went to him. I am ofc over him, I do not have any love for him anymore. However, I miss being loved, being accepted for who I am. I miss the support, the talks, the listning, the words of “it’s going to be ok” and I feel I won’t ever have that again.

Lets call my ex: J.

My sister said to me, “You have to stop searching for a new J, you do not want to replace him. You want someone different and new.”

Yes, that is true. I found someone I really like, but unable to go further with him because my OCD takes control to the point I feel like I am dying. He knows about my OCD, but he wants me to deal with it by myself and I can’t do it. I tried, but I just get so down and my only escape is to end things which I do every damn time. Why can’t I have what I want? I want you. I am in love with you. Your smile, your laughter, your stupid comments and your silly walk, but OCD takes you away from me.

I don’t want to hurt you. ROCD is a killer. “You have cheated, you kissed another guy, you flirted with that guy because you want him, you walked closer to that guy because you want him to notice you”

“You have cheated, you kissed another guy, you flirted with that guy because you want him, you walked closer to that guy because you want him to notice you.”

Please OCD give me a damn rest, don’t I deserve a smile after all I have been through?