Suicide, OCD and POCD
by Ocdismylife
I have not written on here for a good while. I have been really poorly. I had really bad suicide thoughts and to the point where I just wanted to kill myself. End it all, because I can not accept what if I like to fantasize about kids(when the thoughts pop up during sex and masturbation I can not tell if I like it), even if I am not attracted to kids in real life.
My sister kind of told me if I did not start working on myself she would make sure I get admitted to the psych ward, as I have been so bad for 3 months over this. I tried to clean up my act and it didn’t work so I pretended to her I was fine. Then two days ago I found that this is all ocd. All the signs are ocd. Yes I feared liking teens in real life and in fantasy that were as young as 15 y old and I found out that to be true. But it doesnt mean my POCD has to be true.
But then on a OCD forum they started saying it was strange as OCD and intrusive thoughts go against who we are as people….And no I am back in my deep hole of shit. I was happy today as I got a job as a teacher. I felt my world was getting better, a job, my ocd calming down, me doing well in Uni. Life was good for 2 days and I loved it.
How is it I only get fucking 2 days of freedom?
I felt I had the answer to all my stupid OCD.
Of course I still worry about how pocd is so similar to my fear with teens and how that was true. But I have come to realize, just because you have ocd about something does not mean it isnt true. It can be true or it can be untrue. The difference between the pocd and fear of teens was it both started with OCD and then I realized I was attracted to teens as young as 15 sometimes. Which isnt the result of my pocd.
Then people say OCD is never true….and I feel confused again. I thought a lot about suicide before, and I felt anxiety all the time. Now I feel numb, I can not feel anything and I am just depressed. Wanting death to take me home.
How can a future boyfriend accept this, if I can not? If I can not even find the answer to this shit?
ocdismylife 
I have wondered the same thing. I guess i’ve never been huge on self esteem, but it often seems like theres not much to proud of…. Why am i saying this?? I meant to say that you on the other hand, I don’t think your ocd is true, and I think the best thing to do is be a little easier on yourself . Way easier said than done. But I know you’ll to far, you can beat this ! 🙂
Thank you for your kind words ❤