Trying so hard!

I am trying so hard to let my intrusive thoughts just stay there and not analyse them. It is sooo hard. I feel like al my energy is used for this. I have thought alot about what I worry about, the fact that sometimes a child can pop up in my thoughts during sexual activity and I do not know how I can tell if that thought turns me on or not. I just have to tell myself a normal person who would experiance this would be like whatever and not think about it again.

Thats what I am trying to work on…I am planning on going out tonight for a drink just to get my mind of things ❤

OCD and Depression. Welcome back!

It has been awhile since this combo attacked me. If I remember right it was back in November. I had a little break from it when I fell in love, hormones tend to fly all over so it takes over the negative feelings. POCD is eating me alive. My head is heavy, my chest hurts and I am tired all the time. I have no motivation for anything at all.

I wish there was a casket ready for me to lie in. I feel ready to die, to rest in peace. I don’t want to live anymore. And thats the truth. Of course Ihave good periods, but whats fun in living a nice life for a few weeks until OCD and depression kills you again? It is not how I want to live

Scary thoughts at the party

I had a party last night. I was really happy at first, drinking and having fun. Then my mood started to change. I went from smiling to frowning, from being happy to being sad.

I used the whole night moping around just wanting to go to bed. I have so much going on for me in life. I have an education, I am going to be a teacher in august. I have amazing sisters and a great family and great friends. But yet I feel sad and alone. Like life doesnt matter to me at all. I do not care where it leads me or takes me. Like life lost it meaning the day I lost my stability.My ex. I am over him, but I was with him for so long, that I feel like I do not know how to be alone. How to plan my own life. All my plans and my future was based on us..And I feel life does not have a meaning without love. But love always kills me, because they always leave because of my OCD.

I am a woman that is strong minded and have strong opinions. I can come off as really rude and bitchy. But when you get to know me, you might just like me. But last night I just felt like I hate who I am, but I can not change who I am as I have tried. I am rude and I speak my mind. No wonder I have only a few friends. I scare men away because I am a total bitch to them. But the people in my life, I care for them so much and I show it with all my actions. I have the biggest heart in the world.

I am not a dependant woman, it’s not because I am not able to. Its because OCD made me dependant on others, and since 18 years old until 24 years old I have been in relationships. I have never been alone. I am scared. I do not think I can live life like this.

The singel me

I’m always going to feel down about the fact I do not have a partner to love and support me. I have, since the age of 18, always had a boyfriend. But even though I am sad and lonely while being single, I am also free from OCD. It’s like it has taken a rest. A nap. ROCD is just sleeping, because I am not actively dating. POCD is not alive because I am thinking alot about getting a job and studies.

It’s a good feeling. But I am depressed on the love route. But I have decided to stay single, work on myself, get use to being alone so I do not feel so crushed when I lose people. And also I don’t want to date just because I am lonely. I want to find that someone special and it will happen when it is ready to happen. I can not be bothered to awake my ROCD right now.

A lot is going on in my life, I am searching for a teaching job to start in august. I am finishing Uni in June and have loads of work ahead of me. I am trying to make money with my job, but I am getting too few shifts. But even though this is going on, I do find myself not that busy. I sleep all the time. It’s a weird feeling of having so much going on, but you just sleep.

I am still missing the guy I dated. Yeah, get over him. Right? Stop moping, it was only 3 months. Sure. But the chemistry was amazing and I can’t forget that. I try…but he haunts my dreams, and it is also the only place I can ever see him.

Remember,feelings may fade but memories always stay

I guess sometimes having a blog makes it easier to let everything out. All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

I had my birthday on the 17th. Turned 24 years old. No sms from mister X, found him on tinder so he has moved on.

I am having a real bad day today, just cry and cry, sleep and sleep. You know my depression started when my ex broke up with me in july, then in November to February I was ok as I fell in love again, but now my depression is back and this makes it the 7th month. I do wake up every day and do what I am suppose to do, but the moment I get home I sleep, cry and sleep. I’ve had good days of course, but then I get real bad days too. I am so alone, so fucking lonely..

I am sleeping life away….and maybe one day I won’t wake up

Life moves on

I sent him a sms today. After 2 weeks of no communication. All I asked was how he was doing. He didn’t reply.

Guess he is done with crazy ass women with OCD…Damn feel so worthless….I guess it’s better knowing he don’t want me at all now, feels I can deff move on for sure.

OCD has been ticking on me all day, trying to fuck me up all day…

Ive made a friend 🙂 A guy actually, no romantic feelings involved which is really different to what I am use too. He is great talking too and he has some mental problems too. Feels good 🙂

OCD update

After the guy I dated gave me a real kick in the arse saying I need to get my shit together with my OCD. I have not had any OCD moments since the break-up.. Normally after a break-up ROCD will faze and POCD will come hardcore. But I am doing well with my OCD.

Maybe my body is so tired and so lost and so hurt, that it is not able for OCD?

So on the OCD front I am doing well. It has gone 6 days since the break-up 3 days without contact and I have to tell you it is really painful and so hard. I guess I can not handle loss, it is way too hard for me. When I feel and remember I am alone and he is gone, I get a panic attack. This is why I like to sleep it off. When I feel so down and unable to do shit, I sleep. It is the only way I know how to handle the feelings. When my ex broke up with me, I used alcohol and sex…so I can not complain about the sleeping.

It is not easy

It is really hard getting over a break up. Many people wonder why it is so hard when I went through a tough one back 6 months ago with my ex of nearly four years.

Well, yeah I only dated this guy for 3 months, but we clicked. He was the first guy I fell in love with after my ex and the first guy I ever trusted. Even when he wasn’t willing to be OCD support for me I said I do not care I will deal with my own problems. Which shows me I liked him for him. With my ex I was very dependent on his help with my OCD, when I lost him I lost control of my OCD.

I never thought I could fall in love again, and I did. Only to get my heart broken again.

Maybe being alone aint that bad? I never want to fall in love again if breaking up feels like this….I hate the sad feeling. How my heart feels heavy and how my head is spinning all the time. How one minute I focus on normal things and I smile, only to remember him and my heart sinks again. How do I motivate myself out of bed?

Any advice?

More about OCD

So latly I have written a lot about love and my lost of a guy I fell in love with. I now want to write more about OCD.

OCD is a horrible mental disease, just like all mental diseases are. I do not know if I should call myself lucky, but I suffer from pure-o which means I have intrusive thoughts and all the OCD is in my head. Of course it was not always like this but from the age of 16 it has always been intrusive thoughts.

There are days I think about how silly I am and how this is all OCD, and I can fight this. I feel strong and I start to smile.

But there are dark days, where I do not get out of bed. I feel I will never win over this and a happy life is something I will never have.

OCD has controlled my life in many ways. So many I feel I have not lived life to it’s fullest. But I do have proud moments. One of them being be studying to be a teacher. From the age of 5 I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I looooved being around kids and looking after them. When My OCD latched on to the thought of being a pedophile I felt doomed and started to work at Mcdonalds instead of studying. How could I be a teacher if I was maybe a pedophile?

After a year I got a thought about how I could never be happy if I did not pursue what I wanted to work with I said FUCK OCD and studied. Geeees…I have had my ups and downs. This is where my OCD changed from just pure-o. I made sure no kids ever held my hands, never sat in my lap or came close to me. I analysed every step I took.

4 years later I can say I am now able to clean a childs bum,hold a child and let a child sit on me, knowing that it is my OCD making me feel shit. Of course I wonder sometimes if I use the kids to get these feelings. But I know deep down I would never use a child to get a little tingle that I can manage to get by myself. I guess I never thought about how far I have come when I look back on my OCD travels. I have had progress. I have managed to become better and face my fears. It has taken 4 years, but hey I am 20 prosent better than what I was 🙂

AHHHH I hate porn!!

I hate porn.

It’s something that gives me POCD so easily.

I asked my BF has he ever watched porn where the woman are too look younger.

He said yes…….

So now I have OCD real bad. How young are we talking about? Has he ever watched porn where the womans body looks younger than 16 years old?

Ugh the thoughts are killing me..