I use to have control and now I have lost it

by Ocdismylife

When I use to lose control before when I was with my ex it wasn’t that bad as he had the control if I had lost my way with my thoughts. He would say he knew the answer very well. I could move on.

I am single now and that wall of mine is gone. I have lost control of everything when it comes to POCD and I feel numb. I feel as if I can not wait to die. I think about it everyday. Sometimes I think it does not matter I have lost control of my thoughts and do not have an answer, when I get a partner we can discuss the theme and he can help me. But the thought of telling another person about all my thoughts and trying to explain my POCD/OCD is just sooo hard. I would have to use a whole day explaining why I am worried and I do not know if I have that energy. Also you are not suppose to confess your worries, but I could never keep this worry from a partner. Of course that means I will be dependant on my partner for the answers…………….which I do not want.

I felt I figured out a lot lately. I felt proud. I told myself they are unwanted thoughts so if I liked them I wouldnt get them as intrusive thoughts. But then I manage to find a fault, of course you can get turned by an intrusive thought, just because they are unwanted doesnt mean anything. 😦

And then I started to think about when I had sex and I wanted to think of something new and taboo, suddenly a thought of a child popped up. I then noticed I was more excited than normal. I told myself I reacted to the word taboo and not to the child. THEN I READ A FUCKING ARTICLE by an ocd specialist where he says:

 having a taboo thought or a fearful or activating thought during intercourse coinciding with orgasm is not an odd thing at all in my opinion.

But I don’t agree. And I feel I have to agree with him as he is an ocd specialist. But I really do not believe having any type of taboo thought etc can lead to orgasm during sex. Then he is saying if u have a picture of a child it’s okay to be turned on by the child during sex…

UGH! How the hell can I figure things out when stupid specialists have different opinions, and I do not agree on them.

I am falling deep in my hole and I do not want to get out because I know this will all haunt me again sometime. And how tell a future partner?

Where is my casket? I want to rest in peace