OCD has come to kill me

It’s late, and normally I would be asleep, dying to close my eyes. I have not had a nap today either, so I am longing to close my eyes. Unfortunately two things are haunting me; OCD and Mister X.

I felt blessed that I had my OCD under control for a good while. I had time to focus on myself and do things without OCD biting at me, but once again OCD finds it way. POCD has blown up. Pedophile OCD, a theme where a person fears they are a pedophile. This fear comes from my childhood after experiencing something traumatic. We all have different reasons for our fears.

Today it is back to the POCD thoughts. I start thinking back to things I worried about before. How during sex a thought popped up of a kid and I felt after abit more excited. How do I know if I got more excited because of the kid thought or because I was in the middle of sex? Just like the time I was masturbating and was bored on my fantasy so I thought I should think of something taboo, again a child popped up. And I felt abit more excited. How do I know it was because of the child thought or because of the theme/word taboo or the sex in general?

I feel I can never get answers. Many will say that if you do not like kids in real life you will not like them in your thoughts. NOT TRUE. Many people are not attracted to kids in real life but have child fantasizes, which also categorises them as a pedophile. This is why I worry so much about not finding an answer to my problems. I try to find an answer so I can tell myself I am not a pedo. But I can never find a solution. I tried telling myself that I didn’t like it when the thoughts popped up, but then again many people get turned on by things they do not like thinking about…

I am using hours trying tofind an answer that makes me not a pedophile.

When reading this, do not judge me. I am diagnosed with OCD and I am not attracted to kids in real life what so ever. We all have different fears and I have intrusive thoughts about kids because my worst fear is liking them and being a pedophile.

Poetic depression

I am surrounded by the darkness.
Blinded by the cloudiness.
The dusk is here,
No dawn to see.

I am carrying unwanted weight.
Tired from the affliction.
Today is here,
No tomorrow to see.

Tasks are an everyday challenge.
No more strength to give.
Close my eyes,
To forever rest in peace.

Written by Ocdismylife

Scary thoughts at the party

I had a party last night. I was really happy at first, drinking and having fun. Then my mood started to change. I went from smiling to frowning, from being happy to being sad.

I used the whole night moping around just wanting to go to bed. I have so much going on for me in life. I have an education, I am going to be a teacher in august. I have amazing sisters and a great family and great friends. But yet I feel sad and alone. Like life doesnt matter to me at all. I do not care where it leads me or takes me. Like life lost it meaning the day I lost my stability.My ex. I am over him, but I was with him for so long, that I feel like I do not know how to be alone. How to plan my own life. All my plans and my future was based on us..And I feel life does not have a meaning without love. But love always kills me, because they always leave because of my OCD.

I am a woman that is strong minded and have strong opinions. I can come off as really rude and bitchy. But when you get to know me, you might just like me. But last night I just felt like I hate who I am, but I can not change who I am as I have tried. I am rude and I speak my mind. No wonder I have only a few friends. I scare men away because I am a total bitch to them. But the people in my life, I care for them so much and I show it with all my actions. I have the biggest heart in the world.

I am not a dependant woman, it’s not because I am not able to. Its because OCD made me dependant on others, and since 18 years old until 24 years old I have been in relationships. I have never been alone. I am scared. I do not think I can live life like this.

The singel me

I’m always going to feel down about the fact I do not have a partner to love and support me. I have, since the age of 18, always had a boyfriend. But even though I am sad and lonely while being single, I am also free from OCD. It’s like it has taken a rest. A nap. ROCD is just sleeping, because I am not actively dating. POCD is not alive because I am thinking alot about getting a job and studies.

It’s a good feeling. But I am depressed on the love route. But I have decided to stay single, work on myself, get use to being alone so I do not feel so crushed when I lose people. And also I don’t want to date just because I am lonely. I want to find that someone special and it will happen when it is ready to happen. I can not be bothered to awake my ROCD right now.

A lot is going on in my life, I am searching for a teaching job to start in august. I am finishing Uni in June and have loads of work ahead of me. I am trying to make money with my job, but I am getting too few shifts. But even though this is going on, I do find myself not that busy. I sleep all the time. It’s a weird feeling of having so much going on, but you just sleep.

I am still missing the guy I dated. Yeah, get over him. Right? Stop moping, it was only 3 months. Sure. But the chemistry was amazing and I can’t forget that. I try…but he haunts my dreams, and it is also the only place I can ever see him.

I know I shouldn’t

I miss you. And I hate that I miss you. I shouldn’t miss you.

I should move on. I am. Tiny steps, but you pop up in my head sometimes.

And I freeze.

I don’t know what it was about you that made me feel so much, when our time was so short.

Remember,feelings may fade but memories always stay

I guess sometimes having a blog makes it easier to let everything out. All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

All I do is ramble about my depression and OCD and love life.However, this is why I made the blog.

I had my birthday on the 17th. Turned 24 years old. No sms from mister X, found him on tinder so he has moved on.

I am having a real bad day today, just cry and cry, sleep and sleep. You know my depression started when my ex broke up with me in july, then in November to February I was ok as I fell in love again, but now my depression is back and this makes it the 7th month. I do wake up every day and do what I am suppose to do, but the moment I get home I sleep, cry and sleep. I’ve had good days of course, but then I get real bad days too. I am so alone, so fucking lonely..

I am sleeping life away….and maybe one day I won’t wake up

Life can never be planned and that’s so scary

I would never ever thought I would be where I am today at 24. Since my OCD did not hit me bad until 16 I had planned my life to perfection. Married, family and kids at the age of 22. When I dated my ex for 4 years, my OCD did take me by surprise on how bad it was and how it has changed and will change my life. But I knew I would marry him and we would live happily ever after. I planned everything, everything you can think of. I was on cloud nine.

Look at me now, single, no husband and no kids, no car and no house. I mean it gets to me. I loved planning, it made me happy as I knew what was around the corner.But in reality it doesn’t work. It scares the shit out of me. I keep planning on having kids before 30, but that could not happen either…It scares me.

OCD blog

When I started this blog, it was all about OCD really. Now I feel my OCD really has died down about. Mostly cause I am not dating and I am too obsessed with this break up.

I got a sms from him today. He said ” Hello. I am well. Back to the single life again. I am more concern about your wellbeing than mine. Anyways we shouldn’t have contact”

I smsed him back saying I was well, and it was good to know he was ok. As that’s all I wanted to know. I said I had moved on and dating again, and I thought it would be ok to ask how he was as I still do care.

No reply. I do not know why I am obsessed with this asshole. He has clearly moved on and wants nothing to do with me, but I won’t give up. WHY? It’s embarrassing. He was inlove with me, I fell inlove with him. He couldn’t handle my OCD so he backed off and got cold. I was still inlove. He breaks up because of it.

I expected him to come back, to be hurt, to not manage without me. But he is fine, he does not care about me…..and it hurts so much when I was inlove 😦

When does it end? A spiral of pain

My sister just found out her BF has been cheating on her. Her first love and that’s what happends. Damn, makes me really rethink what I want in life. Do I really want to get married and have kids, with a man that prob will leave me in the end anyways?

Things have been really tough for me these last days, I am in a depression and living life is so hard. My sister is going through shit, my best-friend thinks I am rude and horrible because I asked her to leave to day as I needed to sleep because of my OCD. She used an hour to get here. My older sister is causing havoc. My birthday is on tuesday but not wanting to celebrate.

I really honestly have lost ly life motivation…the will to live. The break-up deff triggered it. But it’s a deeper pain. I’m just not interested in living…

I snapped out of this shit

After never get a reply from my sms, for whatever reason. I snapped. I found some inner power I never knew I had. I am deff going to try harder and move on and meet others. The best revenge I can have is finding a guy and smiling and laughing and living life.

For whatever reason it was for not answering me, which is most likley he cares but does not want me to feel there is hope, I think it was a douch move. But I see now it’s over.

Goodbye mister X, Im on my way to find my king now ❤