How the OCD brain works

by Ocdismylife

A few of my readers have asked me how does my brain work when I get an intrusive thoughts. So I have decided using POCD, pedophile OCD as an example. It will give you an idea how these thoughts work in general.

It starts with a thought that will trigger my anxiety. An example: I am having sex and a child pops up as a thought.

Then after sex, I will worry and wonder if that thought had any significance to me. Then I will start my over analysing. An example:

“So a thought popped up, but it does not make me a pedophile.” Then I go and search on criterias that makes someone a pedo and read that fantasizes and thoughts alone that turn you on, that are about kids can make you a pedo. This causes extreme aneixty, so I need to figure out a different answer that makes sense. ” I would know if the thought about the child turned me on” Then my OCD starts talking back, trying to find holes in my answers. It will reply saying that I would not know if it turned me on because I have OCD and I am always In doubt. The anxiety starts to get worse, my head starts to spin, I feel tired and exhausted but I will not give up. I start to think even more. “How do I know if that thought of the child turned me on or not?” I try to tell myself that OCD makes these thoughts pop up because I am so scared to be a pedo. But I manage to find a hole in that answer too, because sometimes they pop up even when I am not having OCD moments. It comes to the point that I use everyday trying to find an answer that is unbreakable, but I never can find it. Then I go into deep depression.

This is how it works..

And the end of it all I realize I can not find an answer to it, so there is a 50/50 chance in being a pedo. This makes me sad because how will another person accept that? How will my future boyfriend accept that? Imagen me telling him this. If I can not find an answer that is perfect, how can he?